(Husband Returns late from work then wife says) "Good Evening Dear . Husband: I'm now logged in." Wife: Have you brought the grocery? Husband : Bad command or filename. Wife: But I told you in the morning Husband : Syntax Error. Abort? Wife: What about my new TV? Husband : Variable not found . . . Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband : Too many parameters . . . Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband : Data type mismatch. Wife: You are useless. Husband : It's by Default. Wife: What about your Salary? Husband : File in use . . . Try later. Wife: What is my value in the family? Husband : Unknown Virus
"There was once a young man, in his youth, his desire was to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages..........
Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted." One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly." So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
There was a teacher who said if there are any idiots in this room please stand up. A boy stands up then the teacher said 'Why do you consider yourself as an idiot?' He said 'Actually I don't but I hate to see you stand up there all by yourself!'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Fatima; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Ahmed, he's a doctor.'' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher ... she's dead.'
Tit for Tat
Once there was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea of scaring the kids. The next day when the kids showed up they saw this sign which said, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with poison!" And so the kids ran off. The farmer shows up the next day and when he looks over his field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he sees something scribbled on the sign he had put up. The scribble read: "Now there are two!"
President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."
Bush says, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
Bush says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!!!"
Attorney General Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school. After the typical civics presentation, he announces, "All right, boys and girls, you can all ask me questions now."
A young boy named Bobby raises his hand and says, "I have 3 questions: 1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties? 3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"
Just then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground. Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back in class and again.
Ashcroft says, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can all ask me questions."
A young girl raises her hand and says, "I have 5 questions: 1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties? 3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet? 4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? 5. Where's Bobby?"
An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. 'Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep.' 'I have good news for you,' the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. 'Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.' 'Great,' the man answered, 'I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot.' A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. 'Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!' 'I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. 'Those are the strongest pills on the market!' 'That may be true,' answered the man wearily, 'but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!'
Mail from Hell
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here.